Hale House Adventures

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for seeing my baby for the first time. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. She was the smallest, most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was scared to get too close. I was afraid that I would scare her. I mean I was a hot mess that was ugly crying. I couldn’t have looked worse if I tried and still been allowed in the NICU. I’m sitting there just staring at her and Nick opens up the portals on the side. I immediately freak out. What was he doing? No, no you can’t disturb the isolete. I told you, hot mess. Luckily for him the nurse was there and calmed my nerves. She told us what was going on. She told us what all the machines were for, what the drs had said, when they would be back to visit, when she had been fed and how much. She gave me the rundown on my daughter. I had sat there listening but staring at Zoey. How could she be so small? How could all of my love and hope be balled up in such a small package? How was I going to love her and comfort her when she was so small and in a box? Could I even touch her? I had just mustered up enough courage for that very question when the nurse opened the isolete portals and adjusted something for Zoey. She encouraged me to come and talk to my baby. She told me to love on her but then completely rocked my world with the following sentence “But when you love on her make sure you don’t rub her. You could rip her skin.” Wait, what?! Rip her skin. So yeah, apparently that can happen. Talk about freaking me out even further. Not like I was already afraid to touch her. So I leaned down and actually talked directly to Zoey for the first time (I mean first time out of my belly). When she reacted to my voice that was it, wild horses couldn’t have torn me away from reaching out and touching her. It was one of the scariest, awe inspiring moments of my life. I bawled like a baby. We didn’t get to hold her that day but I did get to have the first “cuddle” with my daughter. We stayed and stared and cuddled for as long as I could. When the pain became too much, we left. We went back to my own hospital room to rest, pump, visit Zoey. So began the routine of the next 9 weeks.