To be brutally honest I did a ton of research before the surgery. That’s just the type of person I am. I will research something. Until I feel comfortable with my knowledge about it. Only then will I move forward into a decision. The OCD in me is strong on this one. My surgeon did an amazing job answering all the little questions and worries that I had. I thought I was ready. I thought I knew what I needed to know. But there were two things that they never warned me about whenever I signed up for thigh plasty.
Many time I had read about the need for compression wear. I love compression wear for when I work out. I enjoy not being as tired and my muscles feeling less stressed. I was actually looking forward to compression wear, at least what I had in mind for compression wear. But NOOOO……… Our idea of compression wear differed greatly. I was picturing some high waisted thick tight leggings, something I could continue to wear after the recovery period. What I got is thick and goes below the knees but I will be burning this as soon as possible. I wake up from surgery with the hardest elastic rubbing the underside of my boob. Then it goes all the way down to below my knees. With two zippers up the side. This was ridiculous. How in the world am I supposed be able to get this on and off To go to the bathroom? Don’t worry they thought of that. How do I know, because I felt a cool breeze down there on my hooha. That’s right these compression wear had a hole cut out so that I could go to the bathroom without ever having to take my pants off. Let me just start out by saying this may be a great idea in theory, but it is horrible idea in practice. There is no way that anyone who just went through surgery is not going to pee all over themselves. Even with a hole cut out. But I was determined to wear these pants. So I had an extra pair, one to wash one to wear, and went from there. I had on my compression wear. Because I know the more compression wear that I have on the better the scar will look and heal. But that did not last long. The one little hole that is given so that you can go potty was also the only hole available for all of the swelling that my body was doing following surgery. So EVERY bit of swelling my body did was amplified and directed to my hooha. I have never experienced a more intense pain in my life. The pain medication did nothing to help allege the pain. So I decided to try and cut the hole bigger. This didn’t work, it only made the swollen area larger. The best way I could explain this would be to imagine a roll of biscuits that you are getting ready to bake. That split second where all the pressure builds up enough to rip the package apart was figuratively how my hooha felt for two days. TWO DAYS!!! so when they tell you “you will have to wear compression wear” don’t think it is going to be a good experience like the compression wear you wear to the gym. No expect a vise grip to be latched on to your naughty bits and left there for days. Then you will be prepared for the special kind of hell that is these pants.
The other thing that I wasn’t warned about was shaving. OK yes maybe they did tell me that I needed to shave. But that brings on a whole new meaning whenever you’re talking about shaving your naughty bits. First things first, I can easily shave my legs. That isn’t what I’m talking about. Considering the location of this surgery I needed to shave my hooha and my legs. I hear the nurse say “you need to shave” and I almost chuckle like “what’s the big deal?” The big deal is the human body isn’t supposed to stand on its head on a wet surface, holding a sharp blade trying to shave your most sensitive part. But I was doing just that because they told me I had to. So after multiple attempts at shaving standing up I realized I was only begging to bust my head open when I fell. Sitting down would be my best option. I knew that I wouldn’t be interrupted, thankfully. I had waited until the kids were in bed. I can just imagine them busting in the door and me having to explain that mommy isn’t trying to cut it off. No! Better that I waited until after bedtime. So I sit down in my shower and realize this still isn’t going to be as easy as I originally scoffed at it as being. I still needed more room. Ok I would try a modified version of “criss cross apple sauce”. So I turn myself sideways sitting up in the shower. I had successfully got enough room to correctly shave for my surgery. Honestly, if I didn’t know for a fact that the surgeon was getting up close and personal with that area I wouldn’t have worried so much about getting everything but I did. I finally did a good job and was finished. Thank the Lord, I’d only cut myself once. Woohoo! Awesome. Now it was time to get out and head to bed. What I didn’t realize however was that when I had maneuvered into the magical position that allowed me to shave, I had wedged my happy butt into said position. I was stuck! Thoroughly and completely. Now my mind is racing. “My husband doesn’t get off work until after 11.” “Please don’t let my children wake up and find me like this” “I wonder if the firemen have ever had to unwedge someone from the tub before.” I decided I wasn’t going to take this lying down (figuratively), I was going to find a way out of this tub. So I start twisting and turning trying to create some leverage somewhere. All I was doing was becoming more of a pretzel. Then it came to me. I stuck my legs straight up on the side of the tub and rolled over onto my stomach. As awkward as this sounds and was, it did the trick. I was FREE. So I stand up to get out of the shower and fall over when my foot is asleep. By this time, I lay on the bathroom floor in defeat thinking about how I chuckled when they told me to shave. What an idiot I was. The instructions I took in passing actual turned into a more in depth operation to make me a contortionist with a blade. And they tell you to shave two days before the surgery, take this as gospel. Not three days or more before because you will have an insane itch that no amount of scratching will help. And let’s be honest, do you really want to scratch that hard THERE in public.
So heed my warning. These two details will make a huge impact on your self esteem, morale, and hooha. Don’t take these lightly. Pay attention and prepare. Have an extra compression garment in case yours has the hooha hole from hell. Do a preshave with a buzzer outside the shower so your feet don’t fall asleep. Do yourself a favor. Heed these warnings. I was an idiot. You don’t have to be.