When I finally woke up after Zoey’s birth I was drugged up. I mean, I had just had major surgery. The need to get to Zoey quickly led to me having a classical c section which means incisions across and up. Of course I couldn’t have just the run of the mill one, I had to be difficult. I was hooked up to a pain drip with a button release. Nick said that I was pressing that thing like I was playing Mario Brothers. I don’t remember. I remember that Nick looked horrible. Which immediately worried me. So I asked “ten fingers? Ten toes?”. He gave me a small smile and said “She wonderful and healthy”. I asked again “Ten fingers? Ten Toes?” He said, with tears in his eyes “NO baby. She has ten beautiful toes but there was a problem and she doesn’t have a hand”. The agony I felt physically hurt and I passed back out.
Hours later, we were in my hospital room. I was still extremely groggy and there was a random man in our room. Nick again didn’t look good but was listening intently. I asked him what was going on. He said “This is the hand specialist.” I ask “Why do we need a hand specialist?” Nick said “Babe, I told you. Zoey doesn’t have a hand.” NO. No that couldn’t be right. Tears immediately came. I hurt physically and emotionally. This could not be happening. And blessedly, I passed out again.
I was finally coming out of all the drugs. I was in a much nicer room and I wasn’t hooked up to any machines. Nick was asleep on the window bed covered in the pink fuzzy blanket that my grandmother had made for me. Apparently they hadn’t brought him any extra blankets after the surgery. I tried to be quiet but I woke him up any way. He asked how I was doing. I said “I’m ok. I hurt but I’m ok. I’ve just been having horrible dreams.” He asked me what I remember. When I said not much he let out a huge sigh. I knew then that it wasn’t good. Nick began telling me all of what I had missed. Nick wasn’t allowed to come into the room with us because it was such an emergency surgery. He said that while he was waiting he could hear me screaming (which I thankfully had no memory of). And he could do nothing, just wait. So he did. Then the dr came in and said “Your daughter is born. Mom and baby are healthy and great. Your daughter is missing her right hand and some of the fingers on her left hand. She is being transported to the NICU and you can head down there in a little while. Your wife is heading to recovery. Any questions?” “Um, what? She doesn’t have a hand?” Nick asked. The dr replied “Yeah, sometimes it happens. But she’s healthy.” With that Nick had to sit, wait, and try and process everything alone. As he is telling me this we are both crying. How could we not? Out miracle baby was missing a hand. Through the tears, I looked at him and said “So it wasn’t bad dreams. It really happened?”